I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
