hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
