So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
