just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
