I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
