when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
