so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
