you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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