new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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