My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
