On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
