I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
