I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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