i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
