the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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