Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
