i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
