My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We had to coat check the pizza.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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