You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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