I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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