google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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