While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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