I accidentally had phone sex last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
