the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
