Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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