If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
