Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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