I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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