I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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