My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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