My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
