The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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