Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
