I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
