Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
