I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
