the condom got lost in my hair
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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