His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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