you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
