filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
