my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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