If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
