I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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