I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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