the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
