just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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