I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
