I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
