At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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