Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
